I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
