When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
