did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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