why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
