Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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