when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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