Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
