8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
