I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
