if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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