I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Why is your signature on my underwear?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Randomize
