All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
