My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
