if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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