he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
So vagazzling was a success
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
