so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
