Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
