Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
