hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I got inside last night via doggy door
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
