Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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