she's into porn, im staying here tonight
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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