say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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