rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
