we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
