You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
