Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
