in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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