I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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