yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
