saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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