Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
