So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
