Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
