i already hear my dad disowning me
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I need moral support for this bender
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
