I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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