dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
