Pants 0. Shit 1.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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