I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
you traded sex for a burrito?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
