Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
