You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
