he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
