He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Randomize
