Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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