I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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