i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
