I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
