listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The uberlube is also flammable
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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