first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
