If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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