I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
